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Worst. Fantasy. Ever.

As a service to you, dear reader, allow me to introduce you to the horror that is The Eye of Argon, by Jim Thiels. Indeed, if you are a writer, you may find it bracing, adamant, proof positive that yes, you can write. And others cannot.

The Eye of Argon is, depending on your inclination, either an eyeball-gouging fright fest, or a laff riot. I find its leaden, heavy-handed, misspelled vileness deeply, deeply amusing. Every time I think I am a wretch among writers, I turn to the solace that is Jim Thiels masterwork. To choose among so many jewels of prose is to choose between coal and clay, but please, how can you not love this dreck?

Arriving after dusk in Gorzom,grignr descended down a dismal
alley, reining his horse before a beaten tavern. The redhaired
giant strode into the dimly lit hostelry reeking of foul odors,
and cheap wine. The air was heavy with chocking fumes spewing
from smolderingtorches encased within theden's earthen packed
walls.


To call it a poor man's Conan is to insult poor readers, and to risk Conan's fictional wrath. Like a car wreck at the side of the road, I can't help but look.

Comments

( 14 sutras — Your wisdom )
jadefalcon14
Jan. 5th, 2005 04:42 am (UTC)
AH MY EYES!!! I thought we were friends wolf... how could you post such vileness? I'd rather read some teenie-boppers LJ blather than this *crys*
the_monkey_king
Jan. 5th, 2005 06:09 am (UTC)
Hehe. My evil plans have reached fruition! Victory is mine, forsooth! And, like, verily.
brainstormfront
Jan. 5th, 2005 05:24 am (UTC)
I, alas, am like you, Milord Monkey, and laugh heartily at this.

Then again, I never thought to hear of a game/fantasy more clumsily written than Spawn of Fashun!

So, I'm curious--was it the giant or the hostelery that reeked of foul odors and cheap wine? :D
scarlettina
Jan. 5th, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)
This isn't new to you, is it? It's been floating around the SF community for two decades, performed as live readings at conventions and used—as you use it—as the one writer's consolation: we none of us write as badly as that. It's a joy. It's a terror. It's the thing you fear when you close your computer every night after pounding away at the manuscript: that your book might suffer the same fate. God save us all! ::grin::
the_monkey_king
Jan. 5th, 2005 06:10 am (UTC)
I was somehow blissfully unaware of it until yesterday. "Spawn of Fashun" and "Raven McKracken's Synnabar" fulfill much the same function in the games community.
(Deleted comment)
the_monkey_king
Jan. 6th, 2005 06:11 am (UTC)
I am so impressed that you actually tracked down Mr. Davis and got an autograph.

I kind of wish I owned a copy of Fashan. And yet I'm kind of glad I don't. :)
oni_anne
Jan. 5th, 2005 08:52 pm (UTC)
I have a confession to make. I use to play Synnabar, but that was a very long time ago, during my foolish and youthful days. I'm afraid playing this game has damaged my ability to create grammatically correct sentences. Please don't ask about my spelling. My only crutches are word processing programs with two-bit spelling checkers. It will take me years to recover.
the_monkey_king
Jan. 6th, 2005 06:14 am (UTC)
At Gamaholics Anonymous, we're here for you, Anne.

Just remember, every gamer has played bad games; admitting it is the first step. I played "DOA Extreme Beach Volleyball" in February 2003.

Playing better games seems to be the only cure. Recovery = one game at a time.
writersweekend
Jan. 5th, 2005 06:46 am (UTC)
Thank you. I needed that.
the_monkey_king
Jan. 6th, 2005 06:15 am (UTC)
We live to serve!

Congrats on your RSS feed, btw. I'm subscribed.
(Deleted comment)
the_monkey_king
Jan. 6th, 2005 06:14 am (UTC)
I knew it had magical powers.

I'd ask about Corpseman, but then you'd tell me.
(Deleted comment)
( 14 sutras — Your wisdom )

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